she thinks - 2 jan 2012

she thinks -

"i don't know why thoughts of you suddenly crowd my mind. it's been so long, so many years gone by, so much of 'us' is lost. then why should those thoughts creep up suddenly? i opened up old times today. checked out every single letter written, every single 'hello' sent. it's quite strange. there were days when even 24 hours seemed so darn less, when we just couldn't enough of each other. our letters seemed endless and the once-a-week phone calls just couldn't come soon enough.

and today, we are almost strangers, with nothing to say to each other. there isn't anything that binds us together. i guess i am to be blamed for this. after all, you tried so hard to hold on; but i let go... again and again. you kept coming back, and i kept hurting you. then, i didn't even realise what it must have meant to you, how much it must have hurt you. i must have been so selfish... you wanted to give 'us' a chance then. and i was too scared to do it, i guess too much of a coward. i couldn't ever admit to you (or to myself) what your presence meant to me. i thought you'd understand and you did. i just pretended not to see it. why? i don't know, and i guess i never will know.

i didn't know what i was looking for then. i still don't. that is why today i need to see you, hear you, if for nothing, just to sense the familiar feeling i get only with you. no, i am not 'coming back', if only because 'going away' was my choice. and i guess, i will have to live with that choice, since there aren't any more choices to 'rewind'. if only..."