she thinks - 6 jan 2012

she thinks -

"this feeling is kind of overwhelming. i feel terribly sentimental. suddenly, it's like i am back to the past where you and me was all that was there. i don't know what to do anymore. i try to reach out to you and i can't. you're busy, caught up in your life. what was once me, is now you. i call you repeatedly, will for you to pick up the phone and just start a conversation like we used to. it's not fair, eh? after all, how can i expect you to close the wide gap that stretches between us over all these years.

i tried speaking to you again today. you were busy. promised to call back and never did. can i blame you? i guess not. i remember the countless times i promised i'd call and didn't. it must have hurt you then. why shouldn't i feel the same hurt today. i guess this is how life comes a full circle...

another day gone by and half a night is over too. i have to think a hundred times before writing to you, before calling you. 'would you like it', 'would you not'? 'are you busy'? it's driving me insane, this endless wait. this uncertainty.

i need a closure, something to end it. it's choking me, turning me into someone i am not. and yet, deep down, i know that this will never end. that this will continue as long as you are there, as long as i am there..."

she thinks - 4 jan 2012

she thinks -

"i thought about you most of the day. of course this is something i have been doing since a while now. we've come a long way, both of us. living with choices we made must have been difficult but then that's how something were meant to be.

i remember the way you smiled, the way your eyes would seek me out in that room, as if you just knew where i was - picking me out in a crowd of thousands. the long walks we took down the winding road, talking endlessly about nothing and everything. the rain hitting our faces, the quick hug... so much gone by. is it lost? i don't think so. it's still somewhere, buried deep down. i cherish them all so much, they are such a wonderful memory.

memory... that's all they are now... pictures in my mind. maybe yours too. do you smile when you think of me? do you think of me at all? or have i just drifted away from your mind; floating far far away..."

she thinks - 3 jan 2012

she thinks -

"remember the time you wrote 'always will'? well, did you really mean it then? today i again opened one of our letters and read; and re-read. what happens to promises? time really does create a distance and difference between people, doesn't it? sure, we shared a lot - love, fear, hopes, maybe a dash of future too. but now it's all done and over. that, what we had, will never come back. we've both moved on, we have separate lives, new hopes and futures to look forward to. why then, do i still hang on to some of the threads of the past? is it really the past?

am i being too selfish now? i did hurt you a lot then, didn't i? and yet i want to go back to the time when 'we' was all that mattered. well, sometimes i do. it's so strange - i kept flitting between things i should never have and let go of the one thing that would have been mine. strange our life's ways...

what is this whole 'forever'? is there really something that lasts lifetimes? that spans through life and death and beyond. or is it just a sham to make us dreamers carry on in some hope of things that are never meant to be. maybe you have an answer to all this? maybe you don't. who knows..."

she thinks - 2 jan 2012

she thinks -

"i don't know why thoughts of you suddenly crowd my mind. it's been so long, so many years gone by, so much of 'us' is lost. then why should those thoughts creep up suddenly? i opened up old times today. checked out every single letter written, every single 'hello' sent. it's quite strange. there were days when even 24 hours seemed so darn less, when we just couldn't enough of each other. our letters seemed endless and the once-a-week phone calls just couldn't come soon enough.

and today, we are almost strangers, with nothing to say to each other. there isn't anything that binds us together. i guess i am to be blamed for this. after all, you tried so hard to hold on; but i let go... again and again. you kept coming back, and i kept hurting you. then, i didn't even realise what it must have meant to you, how much it must have hurt you. i must have been so selfish... you wanted to give 'us' a chance then. and i was too scared to do it, i guess too much of a coward. i couldn't ever admit to you (or to myself) what your presence meant to me. i thought you'd understand and you did. i just pretended not to see it. why? i don't know, and i guess i never will know.

i didn't know what i was looking for then. i still don't. that is why today i need to see you, hear you, if for nothing, just to sense the familiar feeling i get only with you. no, i am not 'coming back', if only because 'going away' was my choice. and i guess, i will have to live with that choice, since there aren't any more choices to 'rewind'. if only..."

Thoughts of a Girl on a Diet - 13 Dec 2011

OK! So I resolved to hit to four-letter word - D-I-E-T! After months of debating over 'should I,' 'When to Start', 'It's not yet time', 'tomorrow I'll Start', I finally got around to at least planning for it. And yes, I even wrote a "Mission: To Lose Weight" at 12:30 AM last night that hangs (conveniently) on the door of the fridge, below the box of chocolates I received 2 days back. Wow! That must be some thought. But I guess, the position is kind of strategic - after all, if I can avoid reaching out to the box, I guess that's half the battle won.

Why am I even writing this on my blog? Well, I guess it's just my way to try and regain control over my life and the ever-widening waist line! Maybe, when I read about this on the internet and wonder if half the world has read this, it just might work as the motivating factor!

So anyways, the great D-I-E-T kick started today. I have been quite enthusiastic about it, I must say. I have the ten-pointer that I hope to follow as I look at it every moment I pass by the kitchen. And while I did have the glass of lukewarm water that's supposed to melt my accumulated fat (yikes, and how!), I immediately broke the rule by gorging on a choco-chip muffin! And then, lunch was the very promising bowl of papaya, broken again by eating an hour later, because I just couldn't survive the hunger pangs!

And each time I reached out to something I really shouldn't even think of, I kept thinking of all the smart outfits I could don, if I just came down by a couple of sizes! It all seems a little unfair to me - why should I be the one struggling to get into shape? Why can't this be a little easy?

Anyway, hopefully gym starts a couple of days later. Till then, I guess I'll stick to my ten-pointer and hope that a lot of guilt sets over me each time I eye the bright golden wrapped home-made chocolates.

Till tomorrow...

just - 10 december 2011

been thinking for so long to write a little something, that it kind of seems jinxed now! everytime i'd sit to pen down a line or 2, a little nagging something would just halt me.

maybe i have been more distracted than ever before. now there's suddenly so much to do, chores just don't end. and yet, sometimes, i just feel blank... as if i just need to stop, think and just do nothing. a little loneliness and so many thoughts crowd my mind; sometimes i feel i am slipping away into oblivion. what is this space that confuses my mind so. my thoughts are a complete jumble now; nothing makes sense anymore.

things i wanted, craved for are finally mine to hold, and yet, what is that little something that's missing? is this my destiny? to be in search forever? to continuously move, to not rest, to hold on and then to let go?

yun hota to kya hota

naah, am not talking about the movie (i believe there is one by this name!). just musing about everything that's gone by and everything's that's going to come. i am sure all of us do feel the "what-if" question. what if i'd given it one chance; what if i'd tried; what if i chose this (or that)". so often i have thought about this, wondering what if i'd just taken that chance. how difficult would it have been? would life have been different - better or worse?

i guess i just stuck to my comfort zone then, not realising i must be trampling upon some wishes and hopes. i guess i was a coward, taking the safe way.

no, i don't regret it, not everything, that is. but yes, there could have been something else, who knows, something nicer or something worse...